If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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