and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
