it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
