are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
