so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
