shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
