When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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