just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
