his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We have started to decorate penises.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
