Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
sex in a hospital.. check
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
