I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
