Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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