Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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