he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
