In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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