What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
