Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
