I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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