Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
