All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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