Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
