First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
