There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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