cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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