I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
