Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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