alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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