you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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