in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
