Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
