There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
