The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
