the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
