I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
