nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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