I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
