remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
