Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize