We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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