ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The power of my boobs compel you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
