My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
