I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
