so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
