Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
