Already got asked if we're dating
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
