I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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