I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
