all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
