summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
