I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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