theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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