you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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