She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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