grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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