composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
