Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
